Tag Archives: parenting

I’m obese…

11 Mar

I live in one of the fattest cities in America and I add to that statistic.  My name is Melanie and my BMI is 37%, making me morbidly obese.

I was a thin girl growing up. I was active and I danced, a lot.  My high school years I cheered and was an average looking girl. I was ok with how I looked then.  In college, when we got married I weighed 135lbs and danced 5 days a week sometimes for 4+hrs a day, no not THAT type of dance people, get your heads outta the gutter!.  I loved my legs, my dancers legs.  I didn’t much care for my “tummy” but I liked the way I looked in my leo and tights and didn’t mind being in them.  Then the happiness and pregnancies began.

You all know that “I’m happy where I am in my life, I got my man so I don’t care if I gain a little weight”…I was there.  When I got pregnant with Avery, I gained the 25lbs and never lost it.  The depression that came with losing a baby just added to my eating and I was bigger than I ever had been before.  I  got pregnant with Kenna and the weight just piled on again.  I was 190-ish lbs and was embarrassed by my weight.  When Kenna was 2 I started going to LA Weight Loss.  As much as I hated dieting it worked for me and the pounds started flying off, I mean 4-5 sometimes more lbs a week!  I got down to 160, close to my 140lb goal weight.  I felt good. I was shopping in the “normal” sized girl clothing stores again.  It showed, and my husband noticed…knocking me up! LOL

Jackson’s pregnancy was no different from the others weight wise.  The lbs just started snowballing and when he was born I was back into the 180-190s.  The depression was so bad after he was born food was comforting to me.  It was my crutch.

My leg injury helped me become sedentary.  Walking hurt, moving hurt…the bed became my friend.  I saw my weight balloon.

When Jaylon’s pregnancy started I was over 200lbs and sick from the beginning.  I think having the hyperemesis was my body’s way of saying “dude, you CANNOT gain another 30lbs with this pregnancy, you’ll die!”.  In a way I’m thankful I puked the entire time and had Gestational Diabetes, because of those I LOST 30lbs during his pregnancy.  When he was born I felt good.  Not great, hell I was still 190, but better than I had in years.  I was determined to get the weight off.

I didn’t.

Today, according to my Wii Fit, I am 220lbs again.  And I’m crying as I type that.

My husband was a big boy in high school and college.  Through sheer willpower he lost over 100lbs, started lifting weights and was even featured in Muscle and Fitness magazine.  I know he’s disappointed in me but I also know that he will support me and help me in any way he can.

Please don’t judge me, I do enough of that myself.  I hate feeling the way I do and hate looking how I do too.  I rarely look at myself in the mirror and sometimes picture myself as the “old skinny me”.  When I do catch a glimpse of my reflection I’m taken aback.  The legs I see are not mine, these have dimples and cottage cheese.  This tummy that I try to cover with big shirts and jeans isn’t what I remember.  It’s huge, I look 7 months pregnant.  And don’t get me started on the chins where I used to have one.  Finding clothes is almost impossible.  I have to shop in the big girl section and even then they don’t fit right.   It’s impossible to find a shirt that looks good and covers the back fat I have gained.  My arms don’t look good in certain short-sleeved shirts but I live in the equator (not quite but close) during the summer and long sleeves just won’t work.

I have NO will power.  I love to eat.  Everything in my family, even when I was growing up, revolves around “when are we going to eat” or “what are we eating”?  I’m a chocoholic and love anything with sugar.  I’m addicted to pop and eat when I’m bored.

If I do not get a handle on this Type II diabetes is soon to follow, if I don’t already have it.  I won’t be around to see grandkids.  I know my knees and ankles will feel better too.

I’m ready to feel good about myself again.  I’ve joined SparkPeople, it’s a site to help you lose weight.  I figured I’d sign up and log in a few times then quit, but I’m really enjoying it.  You input what you’ve eaten and it comes up with a calorie/fat/protein count.  You can also record how much water you’ve drunk and how many minutes you’ve worked out.  There are message boards filled with people who are going through what you are.

Today was day 1 for me. I haven’t had a pop today (and it’s almost 8pm!) and have had my 8 glasses of water!  I worked out with my Wii Fit for 11 minutes and took a walk today with Jay for 15.  My ankle is killing me but I’ve got to get some exercise somehow.  I have consumed just a little over 1200 calories today and I’m not hungry.  I need to find more protein but other than that I have a pretty good idea of what I can or can’t eat.  I will also have a cheat day every week.  That’s from my hubby and I agree. If you deny yourself all the time you’re more apt to fall off the wagon.  If I allow myself a day or a meal that I eat a treat then hopefully that will help me stay on this for the long-haul.

So, please stick with me.  Support me, not by saying “oh, you shouldn’t have eaten that” or looking at me with that look when I eat a fuckin’ funnel cake next weekend.  Support me with an occasional “oh, you look good” or “you’re doing a great job” even if I’m slipping a little.

Pretty soon, I won’t be a statistic anymore.

Wow, where do I begin?

10 Mar

I mean, I’ve been MIA and I have no idea where to even begin on the update!  So, let’s see…

~ My ma and Chris came down for the weekend.  Chris had a bunch of meetings so we didn’t get to see him too much, unfortunately.  But we did get to spend Saturday with my ma.  We always have fun together, I don’t think it matters what we do or where we go.  We did get to baby sit their puppy, Zoe.  Chris and I went in together and got ZoeZoe for Ma for Christmas.  Boy is she a handful.  She’s spoiled and beyond cute.  Luckily she slept really well for us, better than Jay actually.  Kenna already misses her but honestly watching her is harder than watching a kid!

~ Kenna’s birthday is coming up.  It’s strange because we always have a party for her.  Hell, last year we took most of the family (the ones that could be here) to Sea World for the day.  This year her party will have to wait.  Because of spring break, St. Patrick’s weekend and a friend’s birthday she decided to have her sleepover in April.  Such a big girl to understand that things come up and come up with a compromise.

~ St. Patrick’s weekend.  I’m from a teeny-tiny town in the panhandle.  This town celebrates St. Pats…with a parade, carnival and all kinds of fun stuff.  Every year we go there and enjoy all that St. Pat’s has to offer.  Tons of my family comes and it’s like a mini family reunion.  We didn’t go last year because I was, oh, 32 weeks pregnant and no one wanted me to travel 8 hrs.  So, I’m ready to par-tay next weekend!

~ Jay rode in a big boy swing for the first time last night.  We were at Kenna’s softball practice and he started getting fussy.  So I took him over to the park and stuck him in the swing.  He giggled and smiled and giggled some more.  When he’d stop swinging he’d kick his legs and get fussy and it was hard getting him out!

~ I’ve been applying to every company I can think of in San Antonio.  Some positions I’m totally qualified for, some not completely.  I seriously have applied to 8 companies that I can think of, I know it’s more than that though!  I have two reasons why I’m not getting a call back (other than the economy and unemployment so everyone’s looking for a job)…1)I have no college degree. I’ve got over 100 hrs toward my BS but I don’t have the money to go back. 2)My work comp claim. I never thought of that until my dad said that some companies bay attention to that. UGH!

~ I have a large post about my weight in my head. I would add it to this but I think it deserves a post of its own.

Anywho, there you have some of the update.  I dunno if you’ll get the weight post tomorrow since it’s softball practice AND Grey’s and Private Practice night!  Thursday’s are a big night for me! LOL


Recap, Wednesday through Sunday edition

28 Feb

Man oh man did I have a fun time.  It was one of those weeks you wish wouldn’t end.  Not that we did anything special, not that we just were on the go all the time, not that we went balls-out to do everything.  Actually, the opposite happened.

We sat and talked, we ate,  we sat and played with Jay, we ate, we sat and laughed, we ate, we tried to nap and then we ate some more.  We did go to the movies on Saturday and we did go out to eat a few times.  We watched the olympics, we drank some beer.   We played the Wii and laughed so hard one of us almost pee’d her pants (and that person would not be me…nope, not me at all!).

Saying goodbye always sucks.  I made sure I used my waterproof mascara today.  I’ll see my sis again in a few weeks but I won’t see Dad until May.  Kenna loved having company, she was so lovey and sweet.  She talked Sis’ ears off and I think totally enjoyed having her Aunt Shell to herself (without her cousins! LOL).  Jaylon loved his Grandpa and smiled and giggled more at him than he has me the past few weeks.

Thank God for family!

I have a 9 year old angel

22 Feb

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

Compromise, take 2

17 Feb

Thank you all for your comments and support regarding my last post.  Sean and I have talked and I feel better.  We do talk about stuff but sometimes I just let it get all bottled up and it doesn’t ever turn out good! LOL  But, he listened and understood (as much as a man can! HA!) and let me cry.  I got my hug too.

I told him I would make plans for us either in Fredericksburg or Austin for a few days.  I’m looking forward to it.  Ma, get your bags packed, I’ll have diet caffeine free Pepsi for you! LMAO!

I’m so happy that Sean and I are able to talk like we do.  I’m thankful that I have an understanding husband who knows me better than myself sometimes.  I’m grateful that he is the father of my children and will teach his son to be as amazing as he is.

Compromise is a bunch of bullshit

16 Feb
* This post will probably piss off some people, so just get ready for it.  Also, this entire post will sounds like “husband bashing” and some of it is.  But also know that my husband is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me and I cannot and do not want to imagine my life without him.  I love him with all of my being.

I hate compromise.  I do it to make people happy (see: my husband).  I do it because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do to be a good wife.  I do it because that’s what adults do, right?

But I’m tired of it.  I’m spoiled.  I’ll admit it to anyone.  And compromising for most if not all of my marriage does not jive well with me getting what I want.  LOL  I know this sounds totally juvenile and wrong and it may be wrong to say all this but dammit, it’s how I feel.

I move where my husband needs me to.  Yes, he’s the breadwinner (see: ONLY breadwinner) so I WILL go where he needs or wants because it’s usually the best for the family money-wise.  I’ve never thought “ooh, I want to live in South Texas” but I did it, for my family.  I’m sure I bitched about it but I still did it.  I moved 8-9 hours from family to better my little family.  And honestly, I actually like it.  Summers suck and I miss my family in the panhandle and in Oklahoma more than I can bear sometimes, but I do like what this area has to offer.  When my husband moves up in his career and gets a new job, I’ll move where he needs then.

This weekend (Valentine’s weekend) was a huge compromise for me and I’m still not happy about it.  Sure, I got to see my mother-in-law and she got to spend some time with the kids.  But a time that should be romantic and sweet ended up being one of the worst weekends I’ve had in a long time and I’m still hurt over it.  My hubby is not romantic and sweet, he doesn’t give hugs or kisses without me asking or telling him to.  That’s Sean, as strange as it sounds, that’s what I love about him.  That’s who he is and while I’d love to hear “I love you” more or get a random kiss that makes my toes curl I’d still rather him be who is he than someone fake.  But one day out of the year (ok, so two really with our anniversary being the other) I want to feel special, I want to feel loved, I want to feel needed.  Instead this weekend my hubby went with a friend of his to get sports autographs (his hobby and I can’t complain as I have one too) and left me alone with the kids and a very emotional middle-aged woman.  I NEVER got a Happy Valentine’s Day.  I had to corner him in the kitchen for a hug.  I didn’t even get a fucking card!  Our Valentine’s “dinner” was takeout from a good restaurant eaten on TV trays in the living room.  Sean wanted to go this weekend and I said “sure” thinking, stupidly, that maybe we could go to a fast dinner/lunch without the kids (since my mil would be there and we NEVER get any time away from the kids).  Going this weekend was a compromise to make my hubby happy doing something he likes and I got screwed.

Our 10 year anniversary is in May.  I’ve been telling Sean for 7 months that I want to go somewhere and even asked my mom to come down and watch the kids so we could go.  Sean told me this weekend that he doubts we’ll go anywhere.  That hurt.  10 years is huge nowadays and he’s going to treat it just like a normal day when dammit…IT’S NOT!  I just said “fine” and figured we’d go out to eat with the kids and I’d just deal with it.  Another compromise.

I was supposed to go to a Christmas party with a friend of mine.  I was looking forward to it and Sean knew a month before that he was going to watch the kiddoes.  He told me a week before that someone was coming to town that he wanted to get their autograph and guilt-ed me into cancelling my plans and staying home so he could go out.  He did admit that he was being selfish and I completely agreed but let him go anyway and changed my plans.

I know these are petty things.  Things that you do have to do to have a long marriage.  Things that you do to make the person that you love with your entire heart (and have since the day you met him) happy.  I can deal with disappointment to make Sean happy and have him do what he likes.

Some days I just feel taken advantage of.

MaMaMaMaMaMa

8 Feb

Oh and DaDaDaDa too!  But he says MaMa more often, usually when he’s fussy.  But I’ll take it!

I was in the car today, either going to or coming from Target, hell I can’t remember…Target always wears me out!  Anyway, in the back seat I heard the cutest little babble ever.  Sure I hear “Momma” all the time from Kenna but it’s usually preceded or followed by “ugh” or “awwww” and possibly stomping out of the room and slamming of the door.  So hearing it so pure, so raw from my baby boy just melted my heart.  You forget how amazing those first words sound.  I’m now reminded how fast those words will come now and how quickly he’s growing up.

His first birthday is right around the corner.  Luckily I have a little more time and another birthday to plan.  Kenna will be 8 next month and we’re doing an easy party.  For us, easy parties usually don’t happen!  I go WAY over the top on them since for the first few they are actually for the parents and guests anyway, right?! LOL  This year Kenna wanted a party with friends at the house.  We decided on a few friends over to play the Wii, have pizza and cake.  After that only a couple girls will spend the night, her first ever friend sleep-over.  Should be interesting!  Then it’s Jay’s 1st in April!  Ooooh, I cannot wait.  It’s a pirate theme and you do NOT want to know what the invites will be, plus it’s a smidge of a secret for the ones getting it.  Let’s just say that yeahhh, Melanie’s going overboard yet again (pun intended folks!).  Here is his cake, Ma will make it since she is awesome like that!

See, ain’t it CUTE!  And it’s not all scary pirate, it’s cute cuddly pirate.  So, there you have it!  He said his first words (MaMa and DaDa) and we have two birthdays coming up (well, 3 if you count mine that’s between the two kids’!)

Arrrrrrgh to you all!

Bulleted mish-mash of crap

4 Feb

Well, if THAT aint a title then I don’t know what is!  See, here’s the deal…I’ve been writing more and (surprise, surprise!) my stats went up.  That’s awesome with one down side, I feel like I need to blog more often now! LOL  Since Jay’s been sick and now me too you all will get a bulleted post, since I’m awesome like that!

  • Jay is doing better!  His croupy cough went away Tuesday night and he’s starting to act like his normal happy self.
  • He is trying to crawl but still would prefer to be the “blob”, a cute blob at that!
  • Yes, I know it’s bad to call my son a “blob” but seriously that’s what he is!
  • It’s hard work luggin’ that tummy off the ground to actually crawl, people!
  • Jay gave me his cooties. No, I didn’t get croup but I did get a nasty cold or something from it.
  • I’ve been coughing, my throat hurts and my ears switch between itching and hurting too.
  • I’m also exhausted.
  • My dear sweet hubby came home early yesterday and brought me lozenges and ice cream.  Damn I love that man!
  • Kenna’s doing good in school still.  Math is really getting her down and I’m trying to explain and show her that she is good at math and knows what she’s doing she just has to TRUST herself.
  • That’s impossible for a 7 almost 8-year-old to grasp, BTW!
  • I’m stuck on writing my book, it’s barely started and I’m already stuck. Yeah, it will never get finished.
  • And if it does get finished it won’t be published, I’m sure of it.
  • It’s almost 8pm and I’m fixing to go to bed.  I went to the grocery store today because even the DOG had no food and it totally wore my ass out!
  • I have a meeting with the ombudsman with the injured employee council (or some shit like that) to kick off my dispute of the Dumbass Doc’s judgement.  Woo hoo!

So, there you have it.  Hands down the most boring and stupid blog post in the history of blog posts! :)

Croup and scrapbooking

2 Feb

Ok, so those don’t really go together at all but I thought I’d throw them into one post! LOL

#1. Jay has croup.  He sounds horrible and I know doesn’t feel well.  My poor Bubba.  He’s been napping for over an hour, which if you’ve read my shit you know he takes 30min power naps!  So, 1+hr is crazy!  We got him some steroids today after seeing the doc, hopefully it’ll kick in fast and he’ll start feeling better.  He is 29inches long and weighs 23.4 lbs!  My big-ol-boy!

#2. One of my fave scrapbooking sites (Shabby Princess) has their February calendar posted!  It’s CUTE CUTE CUTE!  I think it’s one of my favorite desktop calendars EVER!  Go download it!

McKenna BoBenna

24 Jan

Oh, my McKenna.  I don’t even know where to start with her sometimes.  She’s so frustrating and I know it’s just going to get worse as she gets older.  I thought I had a few more “attitude free” years but NOPE!  I ask her to do something and she huffs and puffs and slams her door.  She throws herself on the floor in a fit of crying and screaming.  I constantly hear “ughs”, “humpfs”, and “uuughs” out of her and it’s not getting better.

But, aside from the McKenna that makes me want to pull out my hair and run screaming into the street, there’s the sweet Kenna that I don’t want to see grow up.   She can tell the most wonderful stories, tell the most awfully unfunny jokes (but you gotta laugh!) and give some of the best hugs I’ve ever been lucky enough to receive.

She always used to ask me when she would become a big sister.  When she was old enough I finally told her that she was a big sister already.  I remember her looking at me like I had grown a 2nd head, she didn’t understand.  I told her the story of Jackson, told her that Momma was pregnant before but her baby brother was in heaven along with her big sister.  Somehow, in her 5-year-old mind, she understood.  She hugged me as I cried telling ther the story.  She’s even seen her baby brother’s picture.  I won’t let her see Avery’s picture yet.  Avery had been gone longer than Jackson, so she looked “dead”.  I don’t want her to see that and feel that pain; not yet, not ever.  But Jackson looked asleep and she asked to see him, so I said ok.  She handled it very well.  I told her that he looked just like her, just like Avery did too, and now just like Jaylon.  She smiled and handed back the picture and wiped a tear from my cheek.

She’s always been the “motherly” type.  That became even more apparent when Jaylon was born.  She wanted to hold him, feed him, change him, get him dressed and even bathe him.  She even changed his diaper when he was a few weeks old!  I didn’t realize it until she exclaimed how proud she was, and honestly she did damn good!

Jaylon loves it when his Big Sister comes into the room.  He smiles and jumps or giggles or just makes happy baby sounds.  It melts my heart because I know how much she wanted to be a Big Sister to a baby on earth.

I say all the time how much Jay has completed our family; that he is what we needed.  But honestly, I think he completed McKenna more than we’ll ever know!

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